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Neige Eternelle
Neige Eternelle
July 2013
Released: 2013, Sepulchral Productions
Rating: 1.0/5
Reviewer: UK Team

So is it awfully written, badly produced, un-original Black Metal with pretentiousness that goes beyond all known levels of wankishness that you’re looking for? Well you’ve come to the right place fellow reader!

From Canada comes what I will personally call one of the most hilariously shit and awful bands that I have ever had the absolute pleasure of tearing to pieces in a review (so brace yourselves people, this is going to be good!) but to the general public you will know them as Neige Eternelle which according to their Bio I’ve been sent means Eternal Snow (yep, probably the most original Black Metal name in history right there).

The problems for this band don’t just end there though, as also in the Bio is the pretty bold and generically pretentious Black Metal statement of:

“A band that honestly could not care less about complex song structures, avant-garde elements and, more importantly, whether you like them or not!! You don’t like that? Guess what, they don’t give a fuck!!”

Well thank you gentlemen for that because what I will now write for you is a lesson in truly and absolutely not giving a fuck in completely deconstructing every single shite little facet about your terrible band and your god awful self-titled debut album…

Firstly, naming your drummer Faust after the original drummer of Norwegian Black Metal band Emperor is quite simply one of the lamest and most unoriginal things you could do in any Black Metal band. But not only that, to add insult to injury in the name of complete and total unoriginality is the fact the drummer of this band is terrible for a Black Metal band. His blast beats for the most part keep slowing down during songs and going out of time and the drum playing does not keep up with the guitars which just sounds amateurish at best. Please, if you’re going to name your drummer anything relating to Faust from Emperor, then at least call him something like “I wish I was Faust but I am clearly not” instead or alternatively you could do what 99.9% of all other Black Metal bands do and *shock horror* create an original name!!

Then we come to the guitars. I don’t think there are any riffs to be heard on this album at all. It’s just all bog standard power chords played with bog standard Black Metal fuzzy distortion which I’m sure the band finds “epic” but sounds literally as repetitive and uninspiring as listening to a tumble dryer going round for an hour.

Production wise, this album has rubbish production. There’s no getting round it and before any of you say “Black Metal is supposed to have raw production” bare in mind I review and listen to a LOT of Black Metal… …I am extremely aware of that fact. So when I say the production on this album is rubbish, I really mean, IT’S RUBBISH!

The vocals are almost completely lost in the mix due to the level of delay and reverb that’s been put on them. The drums have had no kind of real production done to them at all and just sound too low in the mix and muddy and the guitars just sound literally like a “1 size fits all” Amp Setting that every single god damn Black Metal band with a promo Demo sounds like.

Song wise the only stand out track on the album that I’ve heard is Triste Pensee but even that song does drag on quite a bit and it’s kind of the lesser of a lot of evils (which I’m sure the band will like.. …”hurr hurr, he said “Evil”… …hurr hurr hurr”) as the album is really quite pants.

Right, I’m not going to bore you by going on with this any more than this album is truly, wholly and completely boring me. But I will say this, if you’re an up and coming band sending out promo CD’s to magazines with the statement mentioned above (which is absolute verbatim by the way!) saying if we don’t like it you don’t give a fuck then firstly don’t expect us to give a fuck about you… …at all… …and secondly don’t expect to receive a positive review of your work.

In all of the years I have been doing album reviewing for a variety of different genres (not just Metal) this is by far and away one of the most collectively pretentious wank fest of overt Black Metal circle jerking I have ever seen or heard, ever. I truly mean that.

This unfortunately is one of the many examples of why the Black Metal genre firstly isn’t really being taken seriously at all anymore and secondly is a dying genre because it is drowning in its own stagnant quagmire of unoriginality, pretentiousness and down-right egotistical bullshit.

Congratulations guys, you’ve just laid one of the biggest steaming turds in the name of the Black Metal genre in history!

Review by Joffie Lovett
Track Listing

1. Cri de Guerre
2. Fier Patriote
3. Vent de Puissance
4. L’appel de la Mort
5. Comme une charogne
6. Plus les jours s'avancent
7. Triste Pensée
8. Pluie de Couteaux


Sti: Vocals
BG: Bass
J. Larché: Guitars/back vocals
Faust: Drums/back vocals

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» Neige Eternelle
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