Various Artists
Metal Christmas

December 2001
Released: 1996, MCA Records
Rating: 1.0/5
Reviewer: Michael De Los Muertos

Hark, the shitty artists sing

Paul Di’Anno is their king!

War on earth, and fuck me wild

Avoid this putrid, steaming pile!

Outraged all ye nations rise

If shit’s worth money, here’s a prize

I can’t believe I spent two bucks

Not that anyone gives two fucks

Hark, the shitty artists sing

Into the trash this disc I’ll fling!



Although this album came out five years ago, chances are you'll see it again this year. Every December, mainstream record stores haul out a tawdry cache of low-budget Christmas and holiday CDs that they throw in a sale bin and put a red ribbon around. "HOLIDAY MUSIC $7.99 AND UNDER!" In amongst bad Bing Crosby compilations, Burl Ives carols, and MANNHEIM STEAMROLLER CHRISTMAS VOL. LXXXVIII, you’ll find this little ditty, METAL CHRISTMAS, is invariably among them. Even if you can get past the concept of a metal Christmas album – which, although ludicrous, is actually kind of whimsical once you get used to it – one spin of this coaster and you'll realize why it's always in the holiday cut-out bin.



This album would better be titled, "WASHED UP SEMI-HARD-ROCK CHRISTMAS." Nothing here really approaches metal, and even where it gets closest, it's got an unabashedly hard rock/glam quality. There are eleven tracks of wintry merriment on this album, and four of them are by Paul Di'Anno, original frontman of Iron Maiden. If you're a fan of KILLERS-era Maiden, this album will probably RUIN your holidays. Paul's rendition of "White Christmas" is bad enough, but if you even manage to stick around for "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," you'll be wailing in agony after one verse. And unfortunately it is left to Di'Anno to reach the absolute low point of this astonishingly bad album, an original "song" called "Another Rock N' Roll Christmas," which is an aborted marriage of 80s glam rock musical clichés with Santa's-coming, excited-kids-waiting-for-presents, snowy-rooftops type of schmaltz straight out of cartoon Christmas specials. And the lyrics…dear Satan, the lyrics! "Another rock n' roll Christmas, another Christmas rock n' roll…tonight old Santa's never gonna stop, he rocks around the chimney tops!" Kill me now. Please! Just kill me!



And who the hell are these other people on this album? Everyone's heard of Paul DiAnno, but who the hell is John Sloman, who torturously renders "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"? And Ray Callcut? Wasn't he a session drummer for Blind Guardian? No? Well, if these people call themselves metal musicians, it's time to hang up my bullet belt and cut my hair. If I spend hard earned money – even $1.99, which is what I paid for this album – on a CD called METAL CHRISTMAS, I want to hear Mayhem doing "Good King Wencelas," and Gamma Ray on "Oh Come All Ye Faithful." I bet Broken Hope could do a mean "Little Town of Bethlehem." How about Sabbat doing an 80s-thrash version of "Sleigh Bells"? Come on, guys. If you're going to do a metal Christmas album, don't pull any punches.



Bah, humbug! Where's Ebenezer Scrooge when you need him?