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Tea For Two
101
November 2001
Released: 2000, Quixote Records
Rating: 0.1/5
Reviewer: Michael De Los Muertos

I wish bands and promotional companies would use a little more care in selecting who they send their product to. This site is called Metal-Rules.com. METAL-Rules.com! I believe this little ditty by a German group called Tea For Two was misdirected – it probably should have been sent to WeirdEuroPop-Rules.com, where it probably would have gotten a pretty decent review from a minion of the editor, Slightly Menacing H. As it is, they sent it to us, and they’re going to get savaged. Look what they went and did!



This is not metal. In fact, it barely even qualifies as “light rock.” No speed; no heaviness; no power; no metal. Period! Tea For Two are a bunch of listless Germans who seem to have gotten their hands on a synthesizer and a very limp guitar, and had a few deutschmarks to spare to rent out a studio for the weekend. The one barely metal-sounding track, “Torn In Two,” makes a feeble attempt at an opening guitar riff, but the rest of the song is as flimsy as a cardboard toilet paper tube. I actually liked the Spanish guitar on the beginning of “The Plan,” until it twangled on for nearly three minutes and I realized the “beginning” was the whole song. Every other track is lame Euro crap after which you expect a silver-tongued announcer to come on and say, “Light rock, less talk…you’re listening to Lite 108 FM!” Still, the absolute low point of this so-called “album” comes with the final track, “Last Piece.” The vocals literally sound like Mike Myers in those old “Shprockets” sketches on Saturday Night Live. I don’t know a scintilla about light rock, but I can’t imagine this album is any good even by non-metal standards.



Don’t buy it. Don’t listen to it. Don’t even think about it. Tea for Two is not your cup of…well, you get the idea. Mark this one “Return to Sender” by air post back to Berlin. Postage due!
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by Michael De Los Muertos


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