From Hell’s Heart – The Chump 9 of 09 (Dec. 22, 2009)

December 22nd, 2009
by EvilG

From Hell’s Heart: December 2009

"The Chump 9 of 09" 

From Hells Heart...

Yesterday we unleashed what we thought were the top 10 metal news stories of 2009. Now it’s time to unveil what we think are the chumpy stories of 2009. Agree? Disagree? Comments welcome of course!

 


 

#1. ROB HALFORD releases a "Christmas" album.

The emphasis here is on the CHRIST part sadly. OK, so there’s nothing wrong with some metalled up Xmas music during Yule, the winter solstice, Xmas, etc. What is wrong, is that every Xmas song on here is a religious one involving Jeebus. Jeebus isn’t the reason for the season, these holidays are NOT just for Xtians, and you’d figure Halford would have more sense than to pander to a religion who’s close-minded practitioners for the most part hate everything metal stands for and who would also have a big problem with Rob’s lifestyle.  


Our album review is HERE.

bigfourstory.jpg#2. The BIG FOUR (METALLICA, SLAYER, MEGADETH and ANTHRAX) Confirmed for SONISPHERE

While it is of course awesome news that these bands will finally share a stage, it’s rather chumpy that this isn’t going to be a world tour. Fans have been screaming for this forever! The release said, "On 16 June 2010, Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax will take to the Sonisphere stage at Bemowo Airport, Poland, to make the dreams of headbangers the world over become a reality."  Just how is a show in Poland gonna make the dreams of the world’s metallers a reality? Then there is the second appearance of the big 4 at Sonisphere Czech Republic. Still not a world tour. If this tour doesn’t come to western Europe, USA, Canada, Australia, South America, etc…then it will still remain chumpy. Things may change and more venues may be announced, but for now, this rates up there as one of the chumpiest stories of 2009.

#3. W.A.S.P. goes Xtian with BABYLON

Read any recent interview with the great Blackie Lawless and he’s no doubt prattling on about jeebus and other such born again junk. With the new album being about the four horsemen of the apocalypse, does this album constitute as Xtian metal? Will they now tour with other bands like Stryper? What happened to the nun-raping, foetus impaling blasphemic bastard we all loved? While their music remains great, but we don’t like or understand his need to preach any born again propaganda. W.A.S.P = We. Are. Sheep. Praying.?  C’mon Blackie, get off the jeebus crap.

Our album review is HERE.

#4. HELLOWEEN – Unarmed – Best Of 25th Anniversary Album

Here we have Helloween ruining a bunch of great songs. On paper this sounded like a good idea: "Unarmed – Best Of 25th Anniversary is a big  thank-you to all our fans, old and new all over the world! Instead of putting together a regular greatest hits compilation featuring our most successful tracks to celebrate this anniversary, we completely rearranged and re-recorded the greatest songs and melodies of our career."  In execution, it is beyond belief. They neutered and de-metalized everything. Who’s gonna like this? Pop fans? Cardigan wearing, emo-glasses sporting, alt-rock fans??! I can’t imagine many metalheads thinking this is actually worthwhile….unless you’re a chump.

helloween25th.jpg

Album preview:



#5. Scott Ian’s <<Fill in the blank>>

Online Poker Tournaments, clubs in Vegas, random VH1 stuff, appearances in every metal documentary, etc. With a godly rhythm hand like Ian’s, we wish we’d be hearing about a new Anthrax album and not this junk and the other silliness with singers leaving and old ones maybe rejoining. Maybe if more effort was expended on the music, we wouldn’t be reading about all this extracurricular stuff that to be honest we don’t care about. Let’s hear the next Among The Living Scott…until then we’d rather not read you national enquirer news items. 2009 marked the 25th  anniversary of the release of Anthrax’ debut album, 1984′s "Fistful of Metal" and what did we get? SFA!

Below: Scott playing poker…we’d rather show a pic of him thrashing but, but well he seems to not be doing enough of that.

scott-poker.jpg 


#6. Mikkey Dee Sits out Motorhead Tour for….Swedish Reality TV

The headline is so chumpy you’d think it was a joke. Guns N’ Roses / Velvet Revolver drummer Matt Sorum filled in for part of the tour so Mikkey could be on the Swedish version of reality TV show called “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me out of Here!” Reality TV, as anyone with a brain knows, it pure fkn shite. If Mikkey didn’t want to tour with the gods or had free time, there’s many more cool things he could of done! Fans were given some lame excuse about a communication breakdown and the tour being booked without knowing he was booked to be on this TV show…regardless, his involvement in something so chumpy earns this news item a place on this years list.

mikkey_jungle.jpg

#7. Manowar – Ding Dong Tattoo

Manowar ran a contest to find the ultimate fan, and of all the entries this is what they picked. It’s so retaredly chumpy that it needs no further explanation as the band awarded a prize to “Dick the Destroyer who had the Balls of Steel necessary to tattoo the "Sign of the Hammer" on his penis and definitely deserves to win Grand Prize as the Ultimate MANOWAR Fan!!”

Just wow…’nuff said.

sign of the hammer.jpg

Note: We hope no public photo of the tattoo is available…we didn’t look, and we don’t want to.

#8. So Chumpy it’s awesome? Metallers pimping products.

It’s one thing to accept a musical endorsement to get free gear, but to release your own non-music related product is a bit weird…  From recent news items we have for example: “Queensryche’s Geoff Tate Announces New White Wine” and even more bizarre “OBITUARY Guitarist Launches BBQ Sauce”. What’s next? King Diamond’s unholy prune juice?  Timo Tolkki’s Tapioka??! ha!

qr-wine.jpg obituary-bbq.jpg

#9. Ex-MEGADETH Guitarist JEFF YOUNG Slams DAVE MUSTAINE

Sour grapes? Dave’s a DB? You decide. We love Megadeth here at Metal-Rules.com, so we’re torn, but stories of Dave singing guitar leads to his lead guitarists (because they can’t write their own?) sounds completely chumpy whether there is any truth in it or not. Jeff’s open blog posting on this topic can still be read here.

Mega-solos:


 

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