Day Six – 70,000 Tons Of Metal: The Final Adventure

70,000 Tons of Metal wrap up


70,000 Tons is the Metal cruise for everyone. Fans from 54 nations, fans of all religions, colours and all ages are welcomed and represented. The youngest person on board was 1 year old and the oldest was 71 years old! The gender ratio was about 35% female to 65% male. There was an ancient seafaring superstition that having a female on a boat was bad luck. I’m beginning to think there was dome credibility to that theory. I’m going to formally request UMC to ban all females from future 70000 Tons cruises. Seriously. I had to tolerate people ‘sucking face’ in front of me on several occasions. If there were no women allowed the band members wouldn’t waste their time chasing tail and they could dedicate that precious time to more productive and constructive endeavours such as interviews, clinics and meet and greet sessions with the fans. For example, during the Hedievolk concert at 2:30am on Wednesday, Herman Li of Dragonforce would rather talk to the tall, beautiful, blond Swedish supermodel than talk to me about obscure Dragonforce European CD bonus tracks. I can’t imagine why.

Lastly, all the hot women in bikinis distract the male fans from the true purpose of the cruise; namely drinking, head banging and worshiping the Metal Gods. I mean, how is anyone supposed to watch a concert with these girls strutting around?

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It’s virtually impossible to concentrate on the music, except for me because I’m pure Metal and all business. Honest.  EDITORS NOTE: We personally think JP is crazy and formally apologizes on his behalf for any offence he may have caused to female Metal fans.


Longest hair contest.

Speaking of Li, I think he lost the ‘Longest Hair’ contest by a hair, being beat by Ross of Immolation.

Longest Hair: Runner Up


Longest Hair-The Winner! (Immolation)


On a more serious note the Majesty Of The Seas is a fantastic ship. The staff and crew are all friendly and professional and available 24 hours a day. The food was hearty and plentiful and available around the clock, including room service. There is a wide range of choices of things to eat and drink…not to mention the dozens of stocked bars all over the ship! The alcohol prices were very reasonable. The pre-paid card system worked very smoothly. Every amenity was provided to cater to even the most discriminating cruise enthusiast.

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The crew rocked!

In the final analysis, your team of A.G., the Thrashmaster and myself ‘worked’ very hard and we brought you photos of all 41 bands and every single special event on the cruise. You’re welcome. Of the 41 bands on the cruise, I saw and wrote about 39 of them once (Apologies to Ektomorf and 3 Inches Of Blood!) and saw most of the bands twice. I also just about met my personal goal of my Must See List as I saw 19 (out of a possible 20) bands that I had never seen before.

We are proud of these facts and this report and mention it, not to brag but to help support the bands and to bring you information to help you make an educated decision for you (and your friends and/or family) if you are thinking if going on a UMC 70,000 Tons Of Metal cruise. We highly recommend it!  There was always something fun and unique going on.

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The Shuffleboard of Steel
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A quiet, impromptu moment at the piano with Victor of Rage
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It’s all about the fans…

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Hot tub hooligans!

The next scheduled 70,000 Tons Of Metal cruise will be on the same vessel, Majesty Of The Seas and will run from Jan 27 to Jan 31, 2014 from Miami, Florida to an unknown destination. In a democratic move, UMC has decided to let ticket holders vote on the actual destination! There will be an on-line access code and a series of choices with descriptions of each country and port if call. Fans/Passengers will vote and the destination will be announced quite early. The organizers hinted at some big bands for 2014 so it is anticipated that tickets will go on sale early and sell out faster. Don’t delay.

Thanks for reading and we hope to see you on the cruise in the future!

It ain’t easy being a Metal journalist on a working vacation!